I'm not tired, but I'm tired.

Night rides are the best! It's a good thing that I pack the car and all my gear before work. If I had to decide at 3:30 or even after work if I was going to ride I would probably bag it and go take a nap. I hate that I feel so sluggish in the afternoon. It must be from sitting at work all day. Is this a normal physiological response? Does everyone feel this way? Why are we fighting it? We need more naptimes. The funny thing is that it doesn't last. I can literally be falling asleep at my desk at 4 o'clock. I will go ahead and get changed to ride while all the time I am thinking "I am so tired. I don't really feel like going blah blah blah". As soon as I get there I have totally forgotten that I felt this way and am geared up and ready to go. So I must not have been TRULY tired or I would have needed to rest to get through it. If it is not tired what is it and how do I avoid it?

I find that I "trick" myself in to a lot of my workouts. I have to write down my plan or make a date to meet someone. I sure the heck am not going to get myself out of bed at 5:30 on a Saturday to go ride by myself, but if I am meeting someone I KNOW I won't let them down. When I am feeling like not going I tell myself to just get started if I really want to quit I can. Of course I never do. Getting started is the hard part - momentum takes over from there. So until I figure out my energy dilemma I will keep tricking myself in to working out. I guess whatever works works. Sure hope I don't catch on.

Day 1...again

Week 3 of day 1. This weekend was an eating extravaganza and this morning it showed on the scale. So for all my enthusiasm and talk, I blew it this weekend. The menu was everything from apple donuts to ziti. I did get in a killer bike ride with my hubby on Saturday so I burned off a few calories, but really, the overall damage was pretty bad. It is 9:30 am on Monday and I am still not hungry. Ug. Well, there is only one way to go from here!

I did notice this weekend that Mike was trying to be supportive. A few times when I went to munch and it was after 9 he would just gently remind me that I might not want to eat that late. Of course I did anyway, but it was nice of him to try to be aware and help me towards my goal. The evening hours are tough. I honestly think I am going to have to move my bedtime to 9pm.

I don't have much to share today - no big epiphany to report. Just back to square one - or square one plus one as I was up 1 lb over last week. Gotta think that was the potpie I had for lunch yesterday...

Happy day

I don't know what it is, but today I am super happy. This isn't just the normal "yea it's Friday" kind of happy. This is the annoy the crap out of others, super giddy, silly happy. I honestly can't think of why I feel this way today...nothing seems different, but clearly something is. My house is still a mess, my children were still fighting this morning, my office is still freezing ass cold so I have to wear a jacket regardless of the season. Something has just triggered and I am enjoying the day - this is awesome! I have been going to bed a lot earlier this week, but I'm not sure that extra sleep is the difference between "meh" and "giddy". Hmmmm...well I am off to enjoy the ride!

Obsessing

It' funny, when I do WW I feel consumed by it. I do not want to be obsessed with food - either good or bad. What is a "normal" relationship with food? When I don't do WW I tend to be obsessed with food in a different way. I try to silence the voices in my head that are singing "that's 12 points, that's 15 points, that's - wow! are you really eating that?" as if by somehow not acknowledging what is in the food I will be able to avoid the conseqences of it. Denial is a powerful tool. Rather than be torn between what I know about the nutritional information about a certain food and whether I want to eat I simply flip the switch and turn the WW voice off. Also, and almost as important in keeping my denial game going, I certainly do not go bragging to my friends that I ate something totally crappy. Oh I won't lie if I am asked about it, but I am certainly not going to bring it up!

When I do WW I feel like I am constantly planning, shopping, counting, logging, eating or looking forward to eating. I usually start my first week ninja style - I have a list of things I am not allowed and a list of things that I must do (activitiy points, GHG's etc) This time I am trying not to do that. I am trying to just be more balanced. I am trying to not obsess. I am learning to let food be a part of my day and not to dictate my day. I am allowing mistakes to just be mistakes and to continue forward. I am trying something different this time. I am trying to just be normal about food. No obsessing either good or bad.

Why do I even buy Wheat Thins?

I watched the Biggest Loser last night. Man I love that show! I seem to be obsessed with weight and weight loss. I want to go on the Biggest Loser! Okay, I only have 10 or 15 (hey I can still dream about being bikini size) to lose, so my stay might be rather brief, but Wow! Wouldn't that be great? The whole ranch to run around - an awesome gym, kitchen stocked with healthy foods. Not having to worry about anything except being healthy. Totally fun challenges just to keep things interesting. Two kick ass trainers to yell in my face - plus I have a crush on Bob! What a ride that would be!

So, what did I do while I watched the Biggest Loser? I ate wheat thins - straight from the box. Tsk tsk tsk. Am I learning nothing? Well, I did count the points and logged it all in, but still - grrrr.... I used up a bunch of my extra points this week on wheat thins???? really??? Could've had a glass wine this weekend. Could have had cake, but no I ate wheat thins (shaking head). Tonight I am going to the gym for about 1 1/2 hours. This isn't punishment. Usually I would ride for this long, but the weather is still so crazy so no night ride this week. Instead I am going to try to make up for it at the gym tonight. I will just picture Bob yelling at me the whole time : )

By the way - anyone ever wonder why they don't ever ride bikes on the Biggest Loser?

"This" isn't working

Yesterday I started my monthly re-commitment to Weight Watchers. That's right - probably nearly as effective as a "New Years resolution" - I have made the "Upcoming Birthday Resolution" to drop 10 lbs/get in shape/blah blah blah - thank goodness I don't smoke or I'd have to add that to the list too! As I measured my food out last week (that would have been my first attempt at my monthly re-commitment to WW) Mike said "oh you're doing this again". Great, that's support. But it got me thinking. It seems like I am always doing "this". "This" doesn't seem to be working. There is something not quite right with my approach. I don't want to be on the Oprah plan. I don't need to break down in 15 years because I am still yo-yoing and still trying to lose that damn 10-15 lbs. Okay, Oprah has a bit more to lose, but this is my blog, not hers. So...I'm working on "this". I think it might be deeper than what I decide to eat. I think I need to look at the "why" I decide to eat. I'm a fairly bright girl. I know that a cinnamon roll isn't good for me. It does not fuel my brain or my body. So why do I turn off the voice that tells me all the reasons not to eat it and listen to the voice that says "mmmmm....cinnamon, butter and sugar is good....mmmmmm" I think the answer to that question might help me with "this".

I'm not sure the goal or purpose of this blog. Originally I thought it was about turning 40, but I think it might be just ramblings of an almost 40 year old...no particular subject, just going where my head goes.

March to September again

I am turning 40 in less than 3 months. I keep thinking that it doesn't bother me that I am turning 40, but I guess there are some aspects that are troubling me. I don't feel like 40 is "old" although I also know that I only feel that way because it is looming out there in the very near future. When I was 25, 40 was old. Heck, when I was 35, 40 seemed old. Now, at 39, 40 doesn't seem as old.

Anyway, old or not, that isn't really what is bothering me. I think it is just the aging process coupled with my self-imposed concepts of age appropriate behavior. I have to admit that my bikini days are probably behind me. Every year around March I have planned on having a banging milf bod and every year around September I think "well, that sure didn't happen this year". As my age creeps up the things that I have less control over are taking over. Being a super white Irish girl my skin has been damaged since day 1. I am starting to really notice the thinness of my skin, new wrinkles etc. Who wants to see that in a bikini?! I don't need to compete with Courtney Love for the saggy skin award.

So, I'm turning 40 and my biggest complaint is that I will no longer wear a bikini. Yep, I guess turning 40 maybe isn't that big of a deal.

Well...maybe it is...