Frustrated

Well, for all my big talk and renewed commitment. I sit here back at the weight I was 4 weeks ago. Frauk!

Every month during "that" time my boobs swell up, I get the bloat and generally feel like a cow. Well this cow like feeling is even worse as I sit at my highest weight ever for the 3rd month in a row. What the hell is wrong with me? Where is my resolve? Where is my commitment? If frustration were a weight loss plan I would be at goal by now.

Total bust

+1.5

Well that was a total bust. I clearly cannot manage 4 days of weekend eating. Again, I probably have some post holiday bloat going on + we ate out all 3 meals yesterday. Yikes! My guess is I'll drop this 1.5 in a few days, but dammit! Why are the weekends so challenging? I did run on Thursday and Friday, but then I either have another cold or I have relapsed - either way I feel like crap again. That is typically good for dieting though...we'll see.

Planning a mountain bike ride tonight. Gonna bundle up good!

Day 8 recap

25 points eaten
9 AP earned

Great workout day. 35 minute run + 35 minute walk + 35 minute weights. Dinner at friends. Very tasty and able to keep it fairly points friendly. Best of all - no snacking yesterday or last night - even during my late night tv watching!

Day 7 recap

20 points eaten
7 AP earned

I had a great run at lunch yesterday! That coupled with not really being hungry made for a light points day. I still don't really feel hungry. Must be the tail end of this cold messing with my stomach. Well, maybe I'll undo all of the weekend damage. Think I'll do weights today and maybe run tonight if my mom'll keep the kids late.

Wins and Losses - weekend recap

Weigh in day = -2 Yeah!

So, I am totally excited that I lost 2 lbs. It makes every stomach rumble and "just say no" moment worth it. 2 lbs is great I'll take that any week!

So the loss was good, but honestly my weekend was not so good. It is easy to be good during the week. I plan my food, bring it to work and I have wha I have. No questions, no standing in front of the cabinet wondering what to eat. Also, I go to bed at a reasonable hour so there are no late night munchies. Finally, and probably most importantly as far as weight loss - there is no drinking! I think I associate the weekend with - time to relax, have a few drinks, no time commitments etc. The problem with that is that the drinks pack on the pounds, loosen the eating inhibitions and a week's worth of dieting can easily go down the drain! I didn't totally undo all of my good work. My food choices were fairly healthy, but still, what a waste.

I also went in to the weekend with ALOT of banked points - over 50. I think that mentally this gave me a free ticket to indulge. I need to manage this mindset better. Not quite sure how that one is going to go, but I'm going to work on it. My weekend journaling is non-existent so I guess I need to start there. I am pretty sure I blew through those 50 points by Sunday morning.

Okay - so there was good and bad for this last week. It is all a process and each week I am refining and improving. It's Monday, Day 8 - here we go again!

Day 4 recap

19.5 eaten
4 AP earned

This cold is kicking my ass. I was feeling pretty good yesterday morning. I had a 30 minute walk to the state office and even went to the gym at lunch and did weights for 35 minutes. Something happened on the way back from the gym. I became really lightheaded, felt exhausted, and was sick to my stomach. I realized I had only had about 3 points (egg beaters with veggies for breakfast + spinach salad with chicken for lunch) up until that time so I tried eating the other "half" of my lunch - a garden burger with laughing cow cheese, chipotle and red bell peppers. I usually really enjoy this for lunch, but it tasted awful. I choked it down hoping it would make me feel better, but it didn't. Then I ate a WW yogurt. I hoped the sugar (or fake sugar) would help. I was able to get home and crawl in bed. THANK GOODNESS I had thrown something in the crockpot in the morning. Mike was able to feed the kids easily. (It was totally points friendly - skinless, boneless chicken breasts, black beans, corn and salsa - we were supposed to add cheese and/or ff sourcream and it them as wraps, but no one wanted to do that, they just ate it out of a bowl). Anyway after my nap I had 1 cup, maybe 1 1/2 cups of the mixture for dinner, watched Project Runway, ate a WW ice cream bar and was going to go to bed. At this point I think I was at 14 points. For some reason I really wanted sugar. I finished off the last 8 candy corn pumpkin things, logged the 5 (yikes!) points and went to bed. I still feel crappy today, but at least I have some energy. Not sure if I'll be able to ride tomorrow, but I'm not ready to cancel it yet.

Day 3 recap

19 points
0 AP earned

I don't know if it's confusing or not. I am blogging after the day ends - so basically the next morning. I am on day 4, but I am discussing day 3. I suppose it only needs to make sense to me.

It is a hell of a lot easier dieting when you are sick. Dylan shared his cold with me. It started with the sniffles and by last night I had the full blown sinus pressure, runny nose, sneezing. Oh yeah, it is as pretty as it sounds. On the upside - I can't taste anything so food is not all that appealing. I tried a new recipe last night - Tilapia with spinach pecan pesto. It was really good and points friendly. I put all the information in the WW recipe calculator and it came out to 4 points per serving! We had that with rosemary red potatos and veggies. All in all it was a 6 point dinner. That would usually be great, but I had 10 points to use and no desire to eat. I had a WW ice cream bar and two little Halloween pumpkin candies to get up to 19. I was going to have a glass of milk, but I figured that would just gum up my throat and I really didn't need any more with my breathing.

Here goes day 4 - so far so good. Still can't taste anything...

Day 2 recap

20.5 points used
5 AP earned

Still banking quite a few points each day. I have periods of the day where I feel hungry, but I am managing better than I usually do. I'm sure I'll use a few of these banked points over the weekend - that is the toughest time.

This morning was interesting. I usually have egg beaters with veggies and zero point tortilla along with a coffee. Then around 10:30 or 11 I am pretty hungry. Today we were out of coffee. I decided to treat myself to a nonfat sugar free vanilla carmel macchiato (3pts). I figured I'd get my calcium in since I tend to not get enough of it - unless of course you count the milk in a White Russian : ) ! Anyway, I was surprised to find the eggs and macciato totally filled me up. I didn't get my 11 am hungries. I really wasn't that hungry when I had my spinach salad with chicken at lunch. I still have my gardenburger sandwich plus my afternoon snack. Must've been the protein and such in the milk that filled me up. Maybe I'll experiment with that and start drinking a glass of milk in the morning. I'm sure my old bones won't mind one bit.

Overzealous

21 Points eaten
14 Activity points earned

Okay, so yesterday I may have been a little overzealous in my effort to keep on track. As we started our ride last night I felt good, but then I took a random tumble. I think I was just hungry at that point and needed some fuel. I ate a Lara bar and felt much better! One of my big challenges is snacking at night. Last night I came home and only ate what I had planned - Campbell's low fat Broccoli Cheddar soup with milk and extra broccoli. It warmed and filled me up. Perfect before bed. It is nice to have those points "in the bank", but I have a feeling today is going to be a hungry day. I brought snacks and a good lunch so I am hoping to stay on target. Still haven't figured out dinner though...I'll work on that.

Cheers to a successful day 1 and staying on track for day 2.

Day 1 of 46 day challenge.

Okay, so the plan to blog my points every day should not be started on a Friday. We ended up having dinner out with friends, lunch out on Saturday, dinner at a friends on Sunday...just a few too many temptations. I KNOW I could have made good choices at each of these opportunities, but it just didn't happen. So the challenge starts today. Tomorrow I will be posting my points, challenges and successes. Right now my challenge is that I have had 8 points for the day and I am pretty darn hungry. I am going to have my afternoon snack in about an hour (1 apple and a string cheese). I am riding tonight so I need to have some energy. I might even add a soup or a garden burger patty to the snack. Don't want to bonk on my ride.

Alrighty - off I go!

Battle of the bulge

In the ongoing battle of the bulge I seem to be losing (or I guess gaining) more and more. I am nearly in tears today because I am so uncomfortable with myself. I have had some success this week with exercise, but the ghosts of the last 3 weeks of eating crappy and not exercising are coming back to haunt me. My weight gain and loss seems to always be on delay. I do not really see any results for a few weeks. Right now I am smack in the middle of a weight gain delay.

A dear friend of mine is on a 27 day challenge to lose 10 pounds. She is using her daily blog posts to keep herself honest, discuss challenges and celebrate victories. I think it is time for me to do the same. I will be blogging daily and will include the number of points I consume, activity points earned and any other challenges or victories. My goal is the same - to be hot for my 40th birthday.

Here goes day 1 - I'll report back tomorrow

Motivation

Wow. All motivation seems to have been sucked out of me. No excuses, there just isn't anything there. I don't feel like riding, running or going to the gym. This is very unusual. I am feeling unsettled and preoccupied. Dammit - that hot 40 bod is not going to create itself. Something must be done here. I guess it is time to resort to "fake it til you make it". I am going to the gym tonight. It is my 1 1/2 to 2 hour workout night. Usually I spend that on a bike, but it just hasn't worked out this week...or last for that matter. Time to go kick my ass...or take nap...no first ass kicking, then Biggest Loser, then nap. Wish me luck.

round and round

Day 1, Round 4. still not working...

I'm not tired, but I'm tired.

Night rides are the best! It's a good thing that I pack the car and all my gear before work. If I had to decide at 3:30 or even after work if I was going to ride I would probably bag it and go take a nap. I hate that I feel so sluggish in the afternoon. It must be from sitting at work all day. Is this a normal physiological response? Does everyone feel this way? Why are we fighting it? We need more naptimes. The funny thing is that it doesn't last. I can literally be falling asleep at my desk at 4 o'clock. I will go ahead and get changed to ride while all the time I am thinking "I am so tired. I don't really feel like going blah blah blah". As soon as I get there I have totally forgotten that I felt this way and am geared up and ready to go. So I must not have been TRULY tired or I would have needed to rest to get through it. If it is not tired what is it and how do I avoid it?

I find that I "trick" myself in to a lot of my workouts. I have to write down my plan or make a date to meet someone. I sure the heck am not going to get myself out of bed at 5:30 on a Saturday to go ride by myself, but if I am meeting someone I KNOW I won't let them down. When I am feeling like not going I tell myself to just get started if I really want to quit I can. Of course I never do. Getting started is the hard part - momentum takes over from there. So until I figure out my energy dilemma I will keep tricking myself in to working out. I guess whatever works works. Sure hope I don't catch on.

Day 1...again

Week 3 of day 1. This weekend was an eating extravaganza and this morning it showed on the scale. So for all my enthusiasm and talk, I blew it this weekend. The menu was everything from apple donuts to ziti. I did get in a killer bike ride with my hubby on Saturday so I burned off a few calories, but really, the overall damage was pretty bad. It is 9:30 am on Monday and I am still not hungry. Ug. Well, there is only one way to go from here!

I did notice this weekend that Mike was trying to be supportive. A few times when I went to munch and it was after 9 he would just gently remind me that I might not want to eat that late. Of course I did anyway, but it was nice of him to try to be aware and help me towards my goal. The evening hours are tough. I honestly think I am going to have to move my bedtime to 9pm.

I don't have much to share today - no big epiphany to report. Just back to square one - or square one plus one as I was up 1 lb over last week. Gotta think that was the potpie I had for lunch yesterday...

Happy day

I don't know what it is, but today I am super happy. This isn't just the normal "yea it's Friday" kind of happy. This is the annoy the crap out of others, super giddy, silly happy. I honestly can't think of why I feel this way today...nothing seems different, but clearly something is. My house is still a mess, my children were still fighting this morning, my office is still freezing ass cold so I have to wear a jacket regardless of the season. Something has just triggered and I am enjoying the day - this is awesome! I have been going to bed a lot earlier this week, but I'm not sure that extra sleep is the difference between "meh" and "giddy". Hmmmm...well I am off to enjoy the ride!

Obsessing

It' funny, when I do WW I feel consumed by it. I do not want to be obsessed with food - either good or bad. What is a "normal" relationship with food? When I don't do WW I tend to be obsessed with food in a different way. I try to silence the voices in my head that are singing "that's 12 points, that's 15 points, that's - wow! are you really eating that?" as if by somehow not acknowledging what is in the food I will be able to avoid the conseqences of it. Denial is a powerful tool. Rather than be torn between what I know about the nutritional information about a certain food and whether I want to eat I simply flip the switch and turn the WW voice off. Also, and almost as important in keeping my denial game going, I certainly do not go bragging to my friends that I ate something totally crappy. Oh I won't lie if I am asked about it, but I am certainly not going to bring it up!

When I do WW I feel like I am constantly planning, shopping, counting, logging, eating or looking forward to eating. I usually start my first week ninja style - I have a list of things I am not allowed and a list of things that I must do (activitiy points, GHG's etc) This time I am trying not to do that. I am trying to just be more balanced. I am trying to not obsess. I am learning to let food be a part of my day and not to dictate my day. I am allowing mistakes to just be mistakes and to continue forward. I am trying something different this time. I am trying to just be normal about food. No obsessing either good or bad.

Why do I even buy Wheat Thins?

I watched the Biggest Loser last night. Man I love that show! I seem to be obsessed with weight and weight loss. I want to go on the Biggest Loser! Okay, I only have 10 or 15 (hey I can still dream about being bikini size) to lose, so my stay might be rather brief, but Wow! Wouldn't that be great? The whole ranch to run around - an awesome gym, kitchen stocked with healthy foods. Not having to worry about anything except being healthy. Totally fun challenges just to keep things interesting. Two kick ass trainers to yell in my face - plus I have a crush on Bob! What a ride that would be!

So, what did I do while I watched the Biggest Loser? I ate wheat thins - straight from the box. Tsk tsk tsk. Am I learning nothing? Well, I did count the points and logged it all in, but still - grrrr.... I used up a bunch of my extra points this week on wheat thins???? really??? Could've had a glass wine this weekend. Could have had cake, but no I ate wheat thins (shaking head). Tonight I am going to the gym for about 1 1/2 hours. This isn't punishment. Usually I would ride for this long, but the weather is still so crazy so no night ride this week. Instead I am going to try to make up for it at the gym tonight. I will just picture Bob yelling at me the whole time : )

By the way - anyone ever wonder why they don't ever ride bikes on the Biggest Loser?

"This" isn't working

Yesterday I started my monthly re-commitment to Weight Watchers. That's right - probably nearly as effective as a "New Years resolution" - I have made the "Upcoming Birthday Resolution" to drop 10 lbs/get in shape/blah blah blah - thank goodness I don't smoke or I'd have to add that to the list too! As I measured my food out last week (that would have been my first attempt at my monthly re-commitment to WW) Mike said "oh you're doing this again". Great, that's support. But it got me thinking. It seems like I am always doing "this". "This" doesn't seem to be working. There is something not quite right with my approach. I don't want to be on the Oprah plan. I don't need to break down in 15 years because I am still yo-yoing and still trying to lose that damn 10-15 lbs. Okay, Oprah has a bit more to lose, but this is my blog, not hers. So...I'm working on "this". I think it might be deeper than what I decide to eat. I think I need to look at the "why" I decide to eat. I'm a fairly bright girl. I know that a cinnamon roll isn't good for me. It does not fuel my brain or my body. So why do I turn off the voice that tells me all the reasons not to eat it and listen to the voice that says "mmmmm....cinnamon, butter and sugar is good....mmmmmm" I think the answer to that question might help me with "this".

I'm not sure the goal or purpose of this blog. Originally I thought it was about turning 40, but I think it might be just ramblings of an almost 40 year old...no particular subject, just going where my head goes.

March to September again

I am turning 40 in less than 3 months. I keep thinking that it doesn't bother me that I am turning 40, but I guess there are some aspects that are troubling me. I don't feel like 40 is "old" although I also know that I only feel that way because it is looming out there in the very near future. When I was 25, 40 was old. Heck, when I was 35, 40 seemed old. Now, at 39, 40 doesn't seem as old.

Anyway, old or not, that isn't really what is bothering me. I think it is just the aging process coupled with my self-imposed concepts of age appropriate behavior. I have to admit that my bikini days are probably behind me. Every year around March I have planned on having a banging milf bod and every year around September I think "well, that sure didn't happen this year". As my age creeps up the things that I have less control over are taking over. Being a super white Irish girl my skin has been damaged since day 1. I am starting to really notice the thinness of my skin, new wrinkles etc. Who wants to see that in a bikini?! I don't need to compete with Courtney Love for the saggy skin award.

So, I'm turning 40 and my biggest complaint is that I will no longer wear a bikini. Yep, I guess turning 40 maybe isn't that big of a deal.

Well...maybe it is...